Thoughts

I had a physical exam a couple of months ago, since it had been two years, and as part of my new life and loving myself, I owe it to me to maintain my health. Plus, I’m fifty frikkin’ nine years old, too. The PA ordered ultrasound exams of my abdomen and carotid arteries, something that I’ve never had before. Apparently, folks my age need these to check the internal organs and for blood flow to the brain. It turns out that I have up to a 60% narrowing of my right carotid artery, so the PA ordered an MRA, which I had done today.

An MRA is like an MRI except the study is of the arteries. When you get one of the carotids, you have to lie on the sliding platform with your head and neck in a kind of brace, and then they put a cage over your face and lock it down to prevent head movement. They then slide you into this narrow tunnel of a machine, and get to work. If you are prone to claustrophobia, (I’m not, normally,) it can be a very unpleasant experience. I’ve had at least three other MRI’s of either my head or my upper body, so I knew what to expect, and I had no real concerns about it.

So, I slide into the machine, and it starts making all the ungodly noises they do, which to me sounds for all the world like it’s trying to shake and bang itself apart. I mentally examined the possibility of getting claustrophobic, and I wasn’t, although I could feel panic just hovering around my mind, should I choose to let it in.

The technician was a big heavy affable guy named John, and at the start of the exam he spoke to me from the safe room through an intercom. I deliberately didn’t move, because I knew that if I lifted my hand or leg and felt how tightly I was wrapped in this big tube, I would start to feel trapped. Suddenly though, seemingly out of nowhere, came a thought: “John is so big, what if he has a heart attack and drops dead in that other room?” Instantly I could feel adrenaline starting to surge, and panic started poking at the edges of my mind, looking for a way in. I wondered if the machine would just keep on running until it fried my brain, or if I’d have to lie there until somebody came looking for John when he didn’t make his next appointment!

Then, the banging stopped. The bed moved a little. John was still alive! I felt foolish. Confused. A bit angry with myself. I was also curious though. Why had a ridiculous thought like that, unbidden, come crashing into my consciousness? Why had I entertained it for the few minutes that I had? Was there a life lesson in this for me? I think there was.

I believe in the Law of Attraction, and it has fundamentally changed my life. I’ve written here before though, that I often have trouble holding on to my faith in the law when I face adversity. In this instance, the Universe gave me a harmless lesson in how much work I still have to do, because my mind was so easily able to just disregard everything I’ve learned. I became consumed with worry about a completely irrational idea. It’s not a lesson that I’ll soon forget!

There was another lesson there for me too. As absurd as my worry was, I also had to examine my own mortality. Stranger things have happened than a guy getting his brain fried in an MRI machine. I was not scared of dying though. If that’s what came to pass, I figured my kids would make a pretty good chunk of money in the end. I accept now that when it’s my time, then my energy will return to the Universe. Maybe I’ll get to come back in another life. Maybe as a plant or animal, maybe on another planet in the Universe. We are all made of the same energy at the very core of our beings, so my form may change, but what I’m made of won’t. I find that comforting, and very much more logical than a vengeful god who’ll send my soul to suffer unspeakable anguish for eternity because I haven’t lived a perfect life.

I took a weekend trip to Vermont with my Lady to attend a wedding. With my newfound knowledge, I was able to dance and chat and enjoy myself with her, without worrying about how I looked dancing, or what other people might think. Vermont is beautiful, and I got some really nice photos.DSC_5532

I’m still workin’ it!

Every day I learn more about so many things. I’m learning how to write. I’m learning how to enjoy my life. I’m learning what life really means, what it’s for, why I’m here and what I have to do while I’m here.

I’m grateful for so many things. Life has given me so many blessings, and I’ve always known that, but it’s always been in the back of my mind. There was always a “but” to my expressions of gratitude. Never before have I been able to just be. And be glad that I am.

I went to an interview today at a community service organization that runs charitable programs for folks. They operate a free lunch program, a food bank, they supply clothes and baby supplies for people who are in need, they even help with evictions and utility shut offs if someone can’t pay their bill. I’m going to do some volunteer work there. I’m going to start in the food pantry and help with unloading trucks, inventory, stocking shelves, that kind of stuff.

I knew I needed to do something like this, but I’ve been resisting it. I’m not really sure why, except maybe that it was outside of my “comfort zone.” Now that I’ve made the commitment, I’m looking forward to it. Besides, my intuition has been telling me that I’ll attract something good if I do this. Maybe I’ll meet a person who’ll be a significant help with my goals, or maybe I’ll make some money. Who knows? The Universe knows. It knows what I want, and it’s telling me to get involved with volunteer work at this place. My job is to just do it.

Even though I have a whole new outlook and attitude on life, old thought patterns and feelings are hard to shake. It’s also difficult to live in the concept that I can’t resist what I don’t want in my life. I must ask for, believe that I will receive, and then accept what I want for my life. Each day brings new lessons for me though. It’s kind of exciting having the knowledge that my life is only going to get better and better, better than I would ever have thought possible. In fact, it already is. I love being able to simply wake up and look forward to what each new dawn brings. There was a time, a lifetime ago, but not so long in real time, that I used to wake up and regret that I hadn’t died in my sleep. My happiness and gratitude for waking each day has turned 180*. I love it.