I had a wonderful couple of days with my Lady, some of it a little difficult because someone very close to her has some addiction issues. Even though this person has been sober for well over a year, we had some concerns that he may have had a relapse. It turns out that while we can’t know definitely, our fears have been allayed somewhat, so we choose to believe that this person is sober, healthy, and happy.
My Lady went away for a long planned trip to visit with some family, and I had some mixed feelings about it. She needed to test our relationship, and wanted to spend some alone time with friends and family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I encourage it. I’ve been having feelings that I recognize as selfish, and negative, but I’m having difficulty turning them about, and getting myself into harmony with the Law of Attraction. We discussed this some before she left, and I think the bottom line for me is, again, I am placing expectations on her so that she will “make” me feel the way I want. I didn’t want her to be away from me for four days, and I wanted her to feel the same way. As I write this though, I can see that “not” wanting something is going to bring more of “not” wanting it. I truly do wish my Lady happiness and joy during her trip, and I desire happiness and joy for myself also.
We had something of an issue even after she had gone because of something she told me by text. I became insecure about a part of our relationship, based on what she had told me about what took place for her in a previous relationship. I felt inadequate, and again, it was because of my selfishness, and not any slight on her part towards me. This is the biggest block I’ve encountered in my quest for freedom. I’m still focused on “ME” and not how I’m affecting others, either positively or negatively. As my Lady says though, it’s a learning process, and each time we have an issue, we’ve managed to talk openly and honestly about it, and to resolve it. The old me would have gotten angry and self pitying, trying to make her act as I felt was proper for her, and staying upset with her until she did whatever it was that I wanted. Now, I don’t want to control anything. I love that we can talk and discover what’s going on without the need for anger or hurting each other. As I told her the other night; she’s my best friend, and my lover too. Who’s got it better than me?
In order to turn my mind and my feelings back to a positive mode, I’m going to step out of my “comfort zone” today and do something I’ve never done before. There is a huge Memorial Day airshow at Jones Beach state park, and I’m going. It will require a 4:30 AM train ride to Grand Central in Manhattan, a 10 block walk to Penn Station, another train out to Freeport, Long Island, and a bus to Jones Beach. In the past, I’ve taken spur of the moment trips like this, but it was easy to just hop in my car and go. Now, it has to be planned, a schedule and itinerary formed and adhered to, all of which I’ve done and am doing.
I love airshows, and this is one of the largest. The Blue Angels are the headliners, and I’ve seen them before, but I’m looking forward to the new routine. I have my camera ready with a couple of thousand shots left on the memory card, and I hope to get some good photos. It’s now 3 AM and I have to pack and be out of here by 4. I am grateful that I am able to make a choice like this and carry it out. It feels invigorating.