How easily it is lost…

When my Lady and I were apart, she joined a dating website because she wants a man in her life. At the time, I was certainly not him. I found her profile one night, and out of anger, jealousy, and bitterness, I said some things that weren’t nice. In fact, they were mean. I felt, at the time, that she had betrayed me and given up on me, and wanted to replace me. I know now that she didn’t betray me, and in actual fact, I had betrayed her. She had given up on me, and rightfully so. I was still self centered and delusional enough to think that there was anything positive left for her to hold on to, and in the same vein, I wasn’t really in her life enough to be replaceable.

I gave up on her too, and told myself that I didn’t care if she was looking for someone else. The only problem was, as was my modus operandi, I was lying to myself. I did care, and I didn’t want to lose her. I found myself looking at her profile several times a day. I could feel the adrenaline surge of jealousy every time it said she was online on the dating site. I imagined tall, handsome, Cary Grant types picking her up in fancy cars and taking her to the finest restaurants. All while I sat in my recliner in my underwear and felt sorry for myself. In fact, it was after I sent her an email telling her that I was going to win her love that I found the video of “The Secret”, and I’ve been chronicling my path ever since. Notice that I said I was going to win her love, not that I was going to win it “back.” That’s because she never knew the real me, so how could she have loved me before? I wasn’t there. The REAL me is here now though.

When we started dating again, it was with the stipulation on her part that she was going to continue dating other men, and that I could basically compete with them for her favor. I agreed, as I was interested only in proving myself to her. She can see a change in me, and about ten days ago, she stated that she was going to let us see if we could have a real relationship. So, she wasn’t going to see anyone else. I can’t overstate how happy that made me. What an incentive to prove who I really am, and what we can really be! She was starting to have some faith in me! I stopped looking at her dating profile. I swore complete faith and was doubtless about her honesty. She had never been dishonest with me before, and I had no reason to think she would start now.

On my PC, when you open a new page with a new tab, it shows six pages of recently opened web pages. The page where my Lady’s dating profile was there, but a couple of weeks ago I deleted it, or so I thought. Today, I opened a new tab and there her profile page was again. Intending to click on the delete x in the corner again, I missed and clicked on the page, which promptly opened.

I was stunned. Instantly, I could feel rage beginning to rise up in me. Not only was her profile still posted, but the little window said she had been “active within 24 hours.” I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. My mind suddenly became muddled, uncomprehending, unable to process what I was feeling, what I was thinking. In spite of all I know about negative thinking and what I don’t want, and how that will attract exactly what it is that I don’t want, I immediately assumed the worst. After all the time we had spent together, how well we have talked, and laughed, and loved, she was still looking for someone else.

I literally could not see straight through the tidal wave of anger rising in me. What do I do? Why would she do this? How could this happen? I went out to my yard and walked (stomped) a couple of laps. My Lady was supposed to call me when she was finished shopping, but I couldn’t just sit and wait. I felt like the anger would make me explode if I just sat and waited.

So, I texted her and told her I needed to talk with her. I wasn’t sure of what I was doing, but I had to ask what was happening. Would she get angry and defensive and break up with me? Was she going to tell me that she had the right to keep her options open? (she does) Thankfully, she called me back quickly, and through clenched teeth, I told her what I had seen. She told me flat out that there was no way she had been on that site looking at messages or anything like that. She wasn’t at home, but said she would call me when she was.

I had absolutely no reason to disbelieve her, so my anger dissipated, I took a breath, and tried to digest what had just happened. First, I assumed that she feels the same way about the progress we’ve made as I do, when I know she still has far more reason to be doubtful about where we are headed, mainly based on my actions. Second, as she told me, for eight months, I pretty much lived life without her, and she has the right to live her life now, with or without me, as she sees fit. Third, it really wasn’t any of my business, and if I hadn’t put my expectations on her, it wouldn’t have surprised me or hurt as much as I let it. Fourth, my job in all this is to love her unconditionally and accept her for who she is. If I’m doing that, then I also love her when I’m not happy about what she does, or doesn’t, do.

When she got home, my Lady and I determined that when she got email matches from the dating site and deleted them, the site records that as activity, the same as if she was viewing the matches. She then warmed my heart when she told me she was committed to us, and making our relationship work. She also ended her membership on the dating site. We both talked, and really reaffirmed that we are falling in Love for real, for the first time, and we both want this.

What I learned was that when confronted with what seems to be an unacceptable fact, I cannot allow the negativity to take control. I did, and maybe this was a lesson in why I can’t allow it. It is very much easier said than done, but now I’m glad that I acknowledged my anger without lashing out IN anger, and that I expressed my hurt with an open mind, and my Lady relieved my concern.

I am actually happy now that this happened. It opened up some topics that we needed to talk about, it strengthened my Love, and it feels, to me, like a huge hurdle behind us. I pray that I may attract that same feeling to My Love.

 

 

Not

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