Still learning

My Lady friend and I have a date for this evening. We have dinner reservations, and then we’re going to a show. I’m very excited about this. My Lady is going to spend some time with a friend first today, and then she’s going to come to my home for our date.

Whenever my Lady friend comes to my home, I plan my day around her. I get my home cleaned up, and do whatever stuff I need to before she gets here so that I can concentrate on being with her when she is here. In my former life, I didn’t do that, and it was a symptom of my inability to love fully.

Yesterday, when I asked my Lady friend when she would be getting to my home, her response was simply that she didn’t know. I have to admit that I was taken aback, and she could tell that a shift in my thoughts had taken place because she thought that I had gotten angry with her. After we finished talking, I had to really explore what was suddenly going on with me. I felt like our upcoming date was unimportant to her, and I felt like she had “blown me off.” Obviously, the negativity poured from me, and I knew it.

We have talked about the fact that we both have interests and activities that we need to pursue outside of our relationship. In the past, we have both, at times, made the other the be-all and end-all of each others lives, with the expected disastrous results. So I was happy that my Lady friend was spending some time with this particular friend, who has suffered incredible losses in her life. My Lady understands how this feels and can empathize, because she has suffered a similar loss in her life.

So, why was I feeling so negative about this? Did she say that to show me that she can? Did she feel pressured, or maybe felt that I was being controlling? Did she feel that I should be glad that she is even coming, and be satisfied with that?

I decided that in the interest of “honesty” I was going to have to tell her about how I felt. I was going to tell her, that when she just said “I don’t know”, I was going to tell her I “felt” that she considered our date unimportant, and that she had blown me off. That didn’t feel right though. It was still a negative feeling, and I was struggling to find a way to turn it around.

Then this morning rolled around, and I still had this negative energy swirling in my mind. I carried out my morning routine, and then sat down and started re-reading my gratitude lists. I did a little editing on some writing that I’ve done for future use. I was looking for the way to turn the negativity back to positive thoughts and feelings. As I was doing this, the Law of Attraction gave me an answer as clear as a sunny morning.

This isn’t about me. Simple. I had expectations, and I wanted her to do or say what I wanted in order to boost my own ego, or to make me feel good, and that was the problem. I was expecting someone else to “make” me feel a certain way. In a manner of speaking, I WAS being controlling. I wanted her to be all excited that I was taking her to dinner and then a show. In another manner, I was letting her, I was expecting her, to control how I felt. I was making her my be-all for that moment.

Do I know that she isn’t as excited as I am? Of course not. Does she know about my negative feelings? No. Is it important for me to dump my negativity on her by telling her how “she made me feel”? Absolutely not. What would the point of that be, if I’m really being honest with myself? It would be to drag her into my negativity so she could feel it too. Why would I do that? I made myself feel that way! If I truly believe everything I’m claiming to have learned, then I know that any thing negative I perceive in another is actually a reflection on me. I see that, and I can appreciate it. It is really none of my business why she said what she did, whether or not there was any more meaning to it than that she simply didn’t know what time she would arrive. My role is to accept it, be grateful that I DO get to see her today, and to visualize her and her friend having a wonderful time together.

If nothing else, I have learned today that the Law of Attraction will guide me even when I have negative stuff going on. If I work on being positive and continue to believe, the solution will be presented to me. It’s funny. I was in a bad place and trying to figure out where I could go on the interweb to read about how to deal with this. All I had to do was look within. To look at my own heart and be honest with myself about what my true motive was. Once I did that, and the Universe gave me the answer, it was a liberating experience.

 

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