Visualization.

I awoke this morning, and instantly had an adrenaline rush. All the terrible, horrible things I had done and been called to account for, came rushing back. For an instant, I thought like the old me, I told myself that I was a useless piece of shit. Then, I caught myself. I remembered the purpose of my confrontation, and I slowly converted my feeling to one of gratitude that it was finally out there. I laid in bed, and visualized my lady feeling trusting, confident and secure with me. I asked for her soul to have peace, and believe that it will come to her.

Each morning now, before I get out of bed, I spend a few minutes looking, in my mind at the results of my desires. I can see each thing I want, and I try to believe that it’s already mine. Some things are harder than others, but I understand that they will come to me.

Then, I contemplate what I’m grateful for. I have a tremendous amount of reasons to be grateful, and when I realize how fortunate I truly am, It’s not difficult to be happy about it. In the past, I would wake up and dread having to go through another day. Some mornings I would fervently wish that I had died in my sleep. I have contemplated suicide many times in the past, and even made a half assed attempt once. Usually though, when I thought about it, I was sure I would go to hell. So I continued to endure my self imposed hell here on earth. Now I understand that death is merely returning your energy to the universe, and in some instances folks could reasonably make that choice.

I look forward to my day now. I plan it out in advance, get my coffee, do my morning ablutions, dress for success, and I’m out the door.

One goal I have set for myself is a fitness goal, but it’s also an appearance goal. I’m almost 6’1″, and a week ago I weighed 258 lbs. I’m not fat, but it’s way too much. My goal is a sleek, hot 180. So I’m giving the universe a hand, and I head to the gym. In my other life, this was a chore, drudgery, something I did to offset my couch potato lifestyle. At one point in 2009, I weighed 314 lbs. I was very disgusted with myself. In a year or so, when my lady and I go to the beach, I’ll take my shirt off without shame or embarrassment. She’s going to be gloating because her man will be hot.

With my understanding of the Law of Attraction, and the useful tool of visualization, my workouts are becoming phenomenal. I use a supplement, but that’s not it. I’m starting to love the feeling of challenging myself. I embrace the burn that comes with heavier weights. I welcome the rivulets of sweat that pour down my face. Each time I move to a heavier set of an exercise that I haven’t lifted before, I pause in position to begin lifting. I close my eyes, and see myself lifting the weight for so many reps. I then do the set in my mind. As soon as I’ve done that, I open my eyes, take two or three deep breaths, and apply all the power I have to the lift. I growl as I do the set, I accept the pain and welcome it, the universe is giving me power. My legs are my strongest body part, and in a month, I’m going to leg press my personal best weight ever. 736 lbs. It won’t be too shabby for a 59 year old dude.

On the way to the gym this morning, I took a shortcut on my bike through some woods. I didn’t see a mud hole, and all of a sudden, I’m going down. Mud everywhere. On my bike, on my legs, all over my new training shoes. I happened to have a paper towel with me, and while I was cleaning up, I was wondering what little bit of Karma had attracted this to me. It was merely a minor delay in the big picture though.

The Law of Attraction is operating in my life in small ways, and I need only recognize them. I used to go to the gym, drag through my workout and run out. Now I smile, I say “Good Morning”, people chat with me unbidden. On my bike rides someone always says hello to me. I am radiating positive energy, and it’s coming back to me.

It appears to me that my blog is developing into a sort of a journaling exercise. Cool.

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