Honesty.

My ladyfriend and I spoke on the phone about an email I sent her where I told her that when she had her accident, I took care of her physically, but I had learned that I failed to care for her heart. We talked about my drinking, and the times that I had lied to her about it. I acknowledged that, and stated that one of my goals was to be honest.

When I said that, it was as if I had poked this huge balloon full of my lies, my deceit, my hurtful behavior and actions. She presented things I had done, and didn’t think she knew about. She laid bare in front of me how deeply, how soul deep, I had hurt her. It was an open wound, and had been festering for months. I knew I had done some hurtful things, but the depth and anguish I had caused her came pouring out.

I was taken aback. I had never even begun to understand the magnitude of the pain I had caused her.

All I could do was acknowledge her anguish and my role in causing it. I tried to express how intensely sorry I was for causing such injury, but at a moment like that, words are fairly meaningless. I explained over and over that I was different, that person wasn’t me. I tried to reassure her that the result of my new knowledge had brought me to a new man, and that I wouldn’t, couldn’t hurt her like that anymore.

Her distrust of me is huge, and perfectly reasonable. Still, after several hours, she agreed to give me the chance to show my new found knowledge in progress. I have a tremendous amount of work to do to earn her trust back, and get past the pain I inflicted on her. I know however, that I will do it. I know this with every fiber of my being.

The Law of Attraction is working. I had to be made aware of the significance of my hurt to her, or we’ll never get past it. I know now though, how to honor my lady’s heart. I know how to truly show her love and respect. For her though, only seeing and feeling my new found strength, love and commitment will result in believing. I am getting a rare opportunity to bring some healing to the injuries I’ve caused to the woman I love. I will.

In the past, the old me, the “alcoholic” me, would have run right out, gotten some liquor and numbed my feelings. I would have been full of fear, worry, anxiety. Today, I accept what took place. I understand that it was necessary. Rather than drink, I ask the universe to soothe her heart, and ease her pain. It will happen, because I can see it.

I am, however, full of remorse and sorrow for what I’ve done. I’m not sure yet what to do with that. Do I just acknowledge it, accept it and move on? That hardly seems fair. I can’t let the guilt I feel take possession of my mind, or I’ll fall into the world again. I think the next time I speak with my lady, I’ll have to tell her. Maybe it will help her heal a little. For now though, I won’t wallow in it.

 

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