What does evil mean?

As a new “convert” to the philosophy of the Law of Attraction, I have some serious questions for the Universe.

A couple of days ago, a 22 year old man stabbed and shot to death six people. He injured quite a few more. All this was done as “retribution” for what he felt was women choosing inferior men to him as lovers, or mates. Clearly, the guy was delusional, and suffered from some severe mental illness. He did though, literally go insane, because a person would have to be insane to commit such violence against others.

According to the Law of Attraction, you draw to yourself whatever kind of energy you put out into the Universe. If you are happy and grateful, you attract more happiness, and more reason to be grateful. If you constantly worry, or are angry, judge people or hate based on superficial reasons, you attract more worry, are judged by others, and viewed not for who you are, but what you look like, say, or do. This kid was consumed by evil, that’s apparent. But why? How can someone attract so much hate and anger that they become evil?

By the same token, the Law of Attraction states that nothing happens by accident, and everything that comes to you, good or bad, you attracted somehow. What could the victims of this madman possibly have done to attract being shot to death in their twenties? None of them had really even started to live.

I understand the concept that good cannot exist without evil, and darkness must be balanced by the light. Are the lives ended by evil random events? I have to believe that there is some form of afterlife, and that the energy that is each person’s soul returns to the Universe and joins in the totality of it, where there is the ultimate state of bliss, and these souls just got released back to the Universe earlier than others. I have to believe that they are in whatever place Heaven meant to each of them, otherwise this makes no sense.

I know that the Universe does not make sense in human terms, and it operates according to laws that we are just beginning to have an inkling about the existence of. I also know the Universe has it’s own orderliness, and sense. I have seen repeatedly in a very short time how the LOA works in my life, and it is really simple for me to believe in the truth that it is. I want to understand the relationship between the light and the dark, and why the dark can seemingly strike at random, and so lethally. I trust the Universe will provide me a way to understand this better

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I didn’t write yesterday, because sometimes I need to just consider what it is that I’m really trying to say. If what I write seems like meaningless drivel to anyone who reads it, it most certainly is not meaningless to me.

Back to my trip. After I got back to the LIRR station in Freeport on Monday morning, There was a gentleman who I had seen earlier riding the escalator to the platform. He was kind of tottering along the platform, very shaky, and I could see a can wrapped in a plastic bag. People don’t carry sodas hidden like that, and I could just tell, looking at the man that he was addicted to alcohol. (As they say, “it takes one to know one.”) He was asking people who were waiting for trains for two dollars, and nobody would give it to him. I knew that he needed that two dollars for his next beer, and he was probably getting a little panicky about his next drink, or possibly, the lack of the next drink.

I know that feeling because I’ve been there. I’ve been where I cannot conceive of not having another drink, and having to go through the withdrawal from alcohol. Even though I’ve never really been without the money to support the addiction, I have written checks knowing that they would bounce, but also with the knowledge that I could make good on it in a week or two. I have been in that place at times, where if I didn’t have the money for another drink, I would have probably have gone out and begged for it. So, I knew what fear and desperation was driving this poor man. There was no thought on his part of getting high, or drunk. There was only the thought of getting the next one to stave off the withdrawal. He would worry about the one after that when he needed it. He needed the next one now. Any way, I gave him the two dollars, even though I knew he was going to drink it. Looking back I wish I’d given him more, but at least he could survive for another couple of hours.

When I got back into Manhattan, I decided to hang out for awhile since I had no pressing need to be back home. I asked a cop in Grand Central if there were lockers anymore, and there aren’t. So I had to carry my bags. I decided to walk the four blocks or so up 42nd St. to Bryant Park. It was absolutely glorious! A sunny day, warm but breezy, and tons of places to sit in the shade. I picked myself a spot, and observed my surroundings. The top of the Empire State Building peeked out from behind smaller luxury apartment buildings. Directly across the green from me, rising twenty or so stories into the skyline, was the Bryant Park Hotel. It was obviously of late 19th Century design and build, and just viewing the exterior brought visions of it’s heyday, when carriages pulled by large horses would deposit nattily dressed men and fashionable ladies at it’s door, maybe for afternoon tea, or a getaway from the hectic city life. Straight across the green on the opposite corner was yet another new Manhattan skyscraper rising into the New York sky. Only the steel on each floor had been built, with two of those huge elevated cranes extending hundreds of feet higher, waiting for the next loads of I-beams and girders to lift into place.

I sat and “people watched”, one of my favorite activities. There were tourists, urbane Manhattanites, Moms with kids, teenage girls sunbathing, babies eating watermelon. Folks strolled along, holding hands, some were big, tough looking guys, some were small, tougher looking women! Elderly couples, young lovers, all reveling in the comfort and security that the touch of a lover’s hand can bring. Or they sat at the little metal tables and talked earnestly. About what? About all the mysteries of the world, I would guess.

I took a few photos, some of the people, some of the park. There was an outdoor cafe behind me, already filling up at 11:30 in the morning. I decided to have some lunch, and something cold to drink. People watching is thirsty work. I sat at a tall table with a stool next to the bar, not wanting to tie up an entire table. In the past, I would have shunned being near the bar, but now, I took little notice of it. It turned out though, to be the route to a quickly served lunch! While there, I met a couple from New Jersey, Kenny and “Lovely.” (That’s what her kids, nieces and nephews called her, so, she said, I could too.) We chatted about all kinds of things, the remarks the NBA team owner had made, the wondrous improvement to the city since the 70’s when you were literally taking your life into your own hands by going there. We discovered that Kenny was a member of the 1972 Mt. Vernon High School basketball team that beat my Fox Lane High School for the state section championship. I was not on my high school team, but I was certainly at the game! It was wonderful meeting these folks, and the new me thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. The old me would have struggled for things to say, and I would have doubted myself as to whether they liked me or not.ImageImage

Whew!

I wrote my last post yesterday morning, and somehow it feels like days ago. I went on my adventure and made it with no problems. I amended some parts of the itinerary like taking a cab in Manhattan and then in Freeport out to Jones Beach, but getting there earlier was worth the extra cost. The day was perfect, and the show was too. Other airshows I’ve been to were right at airports, so there is always a “static” line of aircraft that are on display, and some of them fly during the show. Since Jones Beach is literally a beach, all the aircraft flying in the show had to start at another field somewhere on Long Island. I’ve forgotten the exact count, but thanks to the technology of digital photography and high capacity storage cards, I literally took nearly two THOUSAND photos. I’m going to have to be fairly brutal in my editing of the pictures, because that’s just too much storage space to take up on a hard drive or a photo card. It will be fun sorting through all those photos of airplanes (and other stuff) though.

When I went I had a pretty good start on a tan, but I still got burned some more, and that was with lotion. I’m discovering that the worst burn is the top of my feet! Ouch! I think I look pretty hot with a tan though. I wonder if my Lady friend agrees?

Since I’ve discovered the Law of Attraction, one pleasant result is that I can chat with just about anyone. I’ve always been empathetic towards folks, but I never had it in me to just start conversations with them. I do now, and it’s great! I met an older black woman while waiting for the bus back to Freeport from Jones Beach. The conversation started when I asked if she knew what time the next bus was supposed to be. There are two bus stops there, and all the buses stopped at the other one first, with the result that the bus was already pretty much full when it arrived at our stop. The next one didn’t even bother coming to our stop because it was packed. Up until that point, most of us waiting on line, (maybe 30 or so people) had been patient, and everyone was pleasant, and chatting about the airshow. After we had waited an hour, some of us (yes, I admit it, me too) started getting a little surly. However, within about ten minutes another, empty bus pulled in, and we were all able to get on. As the Universe would have it, the only seat open was next to the woman I had spoken with earlier. I asked if she minded if I sat with her, (she didn’t) and I asked if she enjoyed the airshow. Well, she positively raved about it. She had a passion for the Concorde, and wanted to see if the jets the Blue Angels flew could thrill her the way seeing the Concorde used to, and they did! She was so excited and happy to have someone to tell about this that I knew it was the Law in action.

I had made a reservation at a motel in Freeport to stay the night, because I thought I might be too tired for the trek back home, and I was right. The best way I can describe this establishment though, was as a dump. It seemed clean enough, but my bed looked kind of like it had been remade after someone slept, or maybe didn’t sleep in it. Considering how you could rent a room for three hours, and that’s exactly what a guy was doing with his “girlfriend” when I checked in, maybe my suspicion isn’t so far fetched.

The motel was listed on one of the major travel booking sites, and listed amenities such as free wifi and AC. The wifi was non-existent, the air conditioner pumped out perfectly conditioned hot air, the soda machine didn’t even work, and I was unprepared to be staying at a “no tell motel” with all the possibilities for crime and violence that could entail. The motel is clearly engaging in false representation, and I spared no words when I expressed my displeasure at being charged the full rate, and none of the claims made on the travel site were remotely true. So, this is my quandary. Was I being negative and expressing negative energy to the Universe? Was I wrong for doing so? Should I have just accepted what was and kept my yap shut? Would I be wrong if I wrote a review and was honest about it, and then submitted it to the travel site? What if a young family were to check in there, unable to get their room fee back? I’m going to have to ask the Universe for some guidance here.

In the same vein, when I had to wait an hour for the bus, I got very agitated and impatient. I worked on focusing and accepting what was, but I looked at all the people around me and they seemed so much more at peace with the situation. It even irritated me that I was having difficulty trying not to be irritated! Of course, then the empty bus came along and everything was fine. Maybe that was my message and answer from the Universe in front of me the whole time. This is where this blog helps. It clarifies my thinking so that I can recognize the answers I’ve been given.

I have a LOT more I need to write about this, but I am exhausted, so I’ll continue tomorrow. Suffice it to say this trip was a huge accomplishment, and a learning experience. I’m glad that I did it.

Comfort Zone

I had a wonderful couple of days with my Lady, some of it a little difficult because someone very close to her has some addiction issues. Even though this person has been sober for well over a year, we had some concerns that he may have had a relapse. It turns out that while we can’t know definitely, our fears have been allayed somewhat, so we choose to believe that this person is sober, healthy, and happy.

My Lady went away for a long planned trip to visit with some family, and I had some mixed feelings about it. She needed to test our relationship, and wanted to spend some alone time with friends and family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I encourage it. I’ve been having feelings that I recognize as selfish, and negative, but I’m having difficulty turning them about, and getting myself into harmony with the Law of Attraction. We discussed this some before she left, and I think the bottom line for me is, again, I am placing expectations on her so that she will “make” me feel the way I want. I didn’t want her to be away from me for four days, and I wanted her to feel the same way. As I write this though, I can see that “not” wanting something is going to bring more of “not” wanting it. I truly do wish my Lady happiness and joy during her trip, and I desire happiness and joy for myself also.

We had something of an issue even after she had gone because of something she told me by text. I became insecure about a part of our relationship, based on what she had told me about what took place for her in a previous relationship. I felt inadequate, and again, it was because of my selfishness, and not any slight on her part towards me. This is the biggest block I’ve encountered in my quest for freedom. I’m still focused on “ME” and not how I’m affecting others, either positively or negatively. As my Lady says though, it’s a learning process, and each time we have an issue, we’ve managed to talk openly and honestly about it, and to resolve it. The old me would have gotten angry and self pitying, trying to make her act as I felt was proper for her, and staying upset with her until she did whatever it was that I wanted. Now, I don’t want to control anything. I love that we can talk and discover what’s going on without the need for anger or hurting each other. As I told her the other night; she’s my best friend, and my lover too. Who’s got it better than me?

In order to turn my mind and my feelings back to a positive mode, I’m going to step out of my “comfort zone” today and do something I’ve never done before. There is a huge Memorial Day airshow at Jones Beach state park, and I’m going. It will require a 4:30 AM train ride to Grand Central in Manhattan, a 10 block walk to Penn Station, another train out to Freeport, Long Island, and a bus to Jones Beach. In the past, I’ve taken spur of the moment trips like this, but it was easy to just hop in my car and go. Now, it has to be planned, a schedule and itinerary formed and adhered to, all of which I’ve done and am doing.

I love airshows, and this is one of the largest. The Blue Angels are the headliners, and I’ve seen them before, but I’m looking forward to the new routine. I have my camera ready with a couple of thousand shots left on the memory card, and I hope to get some good photos. It’s now 3 AM and I have to pack and be out of here by 4. I am grateful that I am able to make a choice like this and carry it out. It feels invigorating.

How easily it is lost…

When my Lady and I were apart, she joined a dating website because she wants a man in her life. At the time, I was certainly not him. I found her profile one night, and out of anger, jealousy, and bitterness, I said some things that weren’t nice. In fact, they were mean. I felt, at the time, that she had betrayed me and given up on me, and wanted to replace me. I know now that she didn’t betray me, and in actual fact, I had betrayed her. She had given up on me, and rightfully so. I was still self centered and delusional enough to think that there was anything positive left for her to hold on to, and in the same vein, I wasn’t really in her life enough to be replaceable.

I gave up on her too, and told myself that I didn’t care if she was looking for someone else. The only problem was, as was my modus operandi, I was lying to myself. I did care, and I didn’t want to lose her. I found myself looking at her profile several times a day. I could feel the adrenaline surge of jealousy every time it said she was online on the dating site. I imagined tall, handsome, Cary Grant types picking her up in fancy cars and taking her to the finest restaurants. All while I sat in my recliner in my underwear and felt sorry for myself. In fact, it was after I sent her an email telling her that I was going to win her love that I found the video of “The Secret”, and I’ve been chronicling my path ever since. Notice that I said I was going to win her love, not that I was going to win it “back.” That’s because she never knew the real me, so how could she have loved me before? I wasn’t there. The REAL me is here now though.

When we started dating again, it was with the stipulation on her part that she was going to continue dating other men, and that I could basically compete with them for her favor. I agreed, as I was interested only in proving myself to her. She can see a change in me, and about ten days ago, she stated that she was going to let us see if we could have a real relationship. So, she wasn’t going to see anyone else. I can’t overstate how happy that made me. What an incentive to prove who I really am, and what we can really be! She was starting to have some faith in me! I stopped looking at her dating profile. I swore complete faith and was doubtless about her honesty. She had never been dishonest with me before, and I had no reason to think she would start now.

On my PC, when you open a new page with a new tab, it shows six pages of recently opened web pages. The page where my Lady’s dating profile was there, but a couple of weeks ago I deleted it, or so I thought. Today, I opened a new tab and there her profile page was again. Intending to click on the delete x in the corner again, I missed and clicked on the page, which promptly opened.

I was stunned. Instantly, I could feel rage beginning to rise up in me. Not only was her profile still posted, but the little window said she had been “active within 24 hours.” I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. My mind suddenly became muddled, uncomprehending, unable to process what I was feeling, what I was thinking. In spite of all I know about negative thinking and what I don’t want, and how that will attract exactly what it is that I don’t want, I immediately assumed the worst. After all the time we had spent together, how well we have talked, and laughed, and loved, she was still looking for someone else.

I literally could not see straight through the tidal wave of anger rising in me. What do I do? Why would she do this? How could this happen? I went out to my yard and walked (stomped) a couple of laps. My Lady was supposed to call me when she was finished shopping, but I couldn’t just sit and wait. I felt like the anger would make me explode if I just sat and waited.

So, I texted her and told her I needed to talk with her. I wasn’t sure of what I was doing, but I had to ask what was happening. Would she get angry and defensive and break up with me? Was she going to tell me that she had the right to keep her options open? (she does) Thankfully, she called me back quickly, and through clenched teeth, I told her what I had seen. She told me flat out that there was no way she had been on that site looking at messages or anything like that. She wasn’t at home, but said she would call me when she was.

I had absolutely no reason to disbelieve her, so my anger dissipated, I took a breath, and tried to digest what had just happened. First, I assumed that she feels the same way about the progress we’ve made as I do, when I know she still has far more reason to be doubtful about where we are headed, mainly based on my actions. Second, as she told me, for eight months, I pretty much lived life without her, and she has the right to live her life now, with or without me, as she sees fit. Third, it really wasn’t any of my business, and if I hadn’t put my expectations on her, it wouldn’t have surprised me or hurt as much as I let it. Fourth, my job in all this is to love her unconditionally and accept her for who she is. If I’m doing that, then I also love her when I’m not happy about what she does, or doesn’t, do.

When she got home, my Lady and I determined that when she got email matches from the dating site and deleted them, the site records that as activity, the same as if she was viewing the matches. She then warmed my heart when she told me she was committed to us, and making our relationship work. She also ended her membership on the dating site. We both talked, and really reaffirmed that we are falling in Love for real, for the first time, and we both want this.

What I learned was that when confronted with what seems to be an unacceptable fact, I cannot allow the negativity to take control. I did, and maybe this was a lesson in why I can’t allow it. It is very much easier said than done, but now I’m glad that I acknowledged my anger without lashing out IN anger, and that I expressed my hurt with an open mind, and my Lady relieved my concern.

I am actually happy now that this happened. It opened up some topics that we needed to talk about, it strengthened my Love, and it feels, to me, like a huge hurdle behind us. I pray that I may attract that same feeling to My Love.

 

 

Not

Work

Today is a Wednesday, and I spent the last three days at my Ladyfriend’s home. I didn’t spend it relaxing though, I worked my ass off. It felt as good, and as much of an accomplishment as anything I’ve ever done. It wasn’t really hard work, like doing a lot of lifting, but it was tedious, required a lot of standing and bending in the hot sun, and demanded my full attention to be done correctly. 

When I was younger, as in when I was a child, I could devote myself to a task, and kind of zone in on the result I was trying to get, and do what was necessary to get it. When I was 14 or 15, a woman in my home town hired me to clean up the abandoned lot next to her store. I set in to do it, and it probably took me eight hours, but I had that lot spotless. All the garbage and junk removed, all the weeds pulled, I even tilled and raked the soil. She could have planted a garden there when I was done. It even shocked the woman who owned it. She had never envisioned what a pretty piece of property it really was.

Later, when I had to go to work for a living, I always had the ability to focus in on the work at hand during any type of crisis. Since pretty much my entire working life was in nursing, and then as a prison officer and a cop, crisis moments came often, on many days more than once in a day. I could always narrow my attention down to the essentials of what I had to do to deal with my part of whatever the problem was. It started as simply as an elderly patient who had defecated all over himself and everything within reach, and had to be cleaned up. One time a patient who had had a fractured hip surgically repaired suffered a ruptured suture line that ran nearly the length of her thigh. Another aide and I had to hold the incision closed and try to staunch the bleeding as well as we could, until the doctor could get there. Later, as the shift supervisor in a huge state prison, I was responsible for directing the responses to all manner of violence, misbehavior, overdoses, vehicle accidents, inmate protests, the list is endless. Then I was the guy who had to write it all up and report it to Albany.

The point being that I could forget everything else at those moments, and direct my full energy and awareness to what I needed to do. It seemed though, that I had lost that ability over the years. Procrastination and apathy were apt descriptors of me and my life. My attitude was pretty much one of what I used to call a “negative give a fuck factor.” I just didn’t care. Refrigerator needs cleaning? So what? What difference does it make? Decorate my apartment and hang some pictures? Why bother? Do laundry? Wash the dishes filling the sink? Read a book? Work on one of my hobbies? There was no point. Forget tackling a project as big as the one I just did. If I managed to start, I would have given up and quit before it was even really underway.

What I didn’t realize of course, is that my attitudes and feelings were drawing more of the same attitudes and feelings that I claimed to hate. Now, I can accomplish things by seeing what I want the end result to be. I enjoy the challenge, and the more exhausted I get, the more determined it makes me to see it through. There is nothing quite like the feeling of achievement I felt when I looked back at the project we worked on. I finally feel like my time is well spent, and I’m not wasting it, or just passing the time. I actually have more stuff to do than I have time for now, and what a glorious feeling that is!

I mentioned in an earlier post that a goal of mine was to lift 736 lbs. on the leg press machine at the gym. I did it. I took my Lady with me, and with her watching, I felt like a peacock strutting his stuff. I was really stoked, and pushed three reps. It was very difficult, and afterwards I was so sore I had to take three days off. That’s okay though, because I set the goal, and I did it. Next up? 826 lbs.

Still learning

My Lady friend and I have a date for this evening. We have dinner reservations, and then we’re going to a show. I’m very excited about this. My Lady is going to spend some time with a friend first today, and then she’s going to come to my home for our date.

Whenever my Lady friend comes to my home, I plan my day around her. I get my home cleaned up, and do whatever stuff I need to before she gets here so that I can concentrate on being with her when she is here. In my former life, I didn’t do that, and it was a symptom of my inability to love fully.

Yesterday, when I asked my Lady friend when she would be getting to my home, her response was simply that she didn’t know. I have to admit that I was taken aback, and she could tell that a shift in my thoughts had taken place because she thought that I had gotten angry with her. After we finished talking, I had to really explore what was suddenly going on with me. I felt like our upcoming date was unimportant to her, and I felt like she had “blown me off.” Obviously, the negativity poured from me, and I knew it.

We have talked about the fact that we both have interests and activities that we need to pursue outside of our relationship. In the past, we have both, at times, made the other the be-all and end-all of each others lives, with the expected disastrous results. So I was happy that my Lady friend was spending some time with this particular friend, who has suffered incredible losses in her life. My Lady understands how this feels and can empathize, because she has suffered a similar loss in her life.

So, why was I feeling so negative about this? Did she say that to show me that she can? Did she feel pressured, or maybe felt that I was being controlling? Did she feel that I should be glad that she is even coming, and be satisfied with that?

I decided that in the interest of “honesty” I was going to have to tell her about how I felt. I was going to tell her, that when she just said “I don’t know”, I was going to tell her I “felt” that she considered our date unimportant, and that she had blown me off. That didn’t feel right though. It was still a negative feeling, and I was struggling to find a way to turn it around.

Then this morning rolled around, and I still had this negative energy swirling in my mind. I carried out my morning routine, and then sat down and started re-reading my gratitude lists. I did a little editing on some writing that I’ve done for future use. I was looking for the way to turn the negativity back to positive thoughts and feelings. As I was doing this, the Law of Attraction gave me an answer as clear as a sunny morning.

This isn’t about me. Simple. I had expectations, and I wanted her to do or say what I wanted in order to boost my own ego, or to make me feel good, and that was the problem. I was expecting someone else to “make” me feel a certain way. In a manner of speaking, I WAS being controlling. I wanted her to be all excited that I was taking her to dinner and then a show. In another manner, I was letting her, I was expecting her, to control how I felt. I was making her my be-all for that moment.

Do I know that she isn’t as excited as I am? Of course not. Does she know about my negative feelings? No. Is it important for me to dump my negativity on her by telling her how “she made me feel”? Absolutely not. What would the point of that be, if I’m really being honest with myself? It would be to drag her into my negativity so she could feel it too. Why would I do that? I made myself feel that way! If I truly believe everything I’m claiming to have learned, then I know that any thing negative I perceive in another is actually a reflection on me. I see that, and I can appreciate it. It is really none of my business why she said what she did, whether or not there was any more meaning to it than that she simply didn’t know what time she would arrive. My role is to accept it, be grateful that I DO get to see her today, and to visualize her and her friend having a wonderful time together.

If nothing else, I have learned today that the Law of Attraction will guide me even when I have negative stuff going on. If I work on being positive and continue to believe, the solution will be presented to me. It’s funny. I was in a bad place and trying to figure out where I could go on the interweb to read about how to deal with this. All I had to do was look within. To look at my own heart and be honest with myself about what my true motive was. Once I did that, and the Universe gave me the answer, it was a liberating experience.